I have plans for this Sat. night. A friend of mine (H) is having her wedding reception. (She got married privately and now is having the party) I have known about this for a couple of months, and RSVP’d weeks ago. Little Man is VERY excited because another friend of mine who is a single mom (S) also is going to bring her daughter (B) over to my house and they are both going to be babysat by LM’s favorite babysitter (A). Which means he gets TWO of his “friends” over to play on Sat night at his house. He’s been counting down the days to this for 3 weeks. He’s so cute. It also means S and I get to share the cost of a babysitter – so ALL the way around it’s a win-win-win. I also happen to know that H’s new husband is a little upset about the costs of all this – which isn’t my problem at all – but does figure into the following a little bit because I know how much my “plate” costs at this thing, and it’s already been paid for because I RSVP’d and I know they’re having a little bit of a tiff about the whole thing. Which doesn’t mean he doesn’t want me specifically not to come or anything personal – and he’d be horrified to know that I know he’s irked about the cost at all – so not an issue. Just a “fact” in the back of my brain that this is a costly endeavor. Cause money is a major issue for H, S and me always. We were all single moms together till H got married, and S is getting married in late June. So money is a BIG concern for all of us.
NOW – this past Monday I get a call from my brother inviting me and LM to the lake this week. (He has a lake house a couple of hours away.) My brother and I have a history of conflict. We do not get along well. Actually that’s more of a DID not. Because for the last few years he’s really been trying to be a nicer person in general and that also extends over to me and I’ve been trying to get along with him, and we’ve been better. Not great – we’ll never be close – but you’re not guaranteed a fight when we’re together anymore. But all this means – that invitations to the lake are not common or the sort of situation where I can just say “hey I think we’ll go the lake this weekend” and be assured of our welcome.
But LM LOVES the lake. Loves loves loves going. And has been asking me for a couple of months when we were going to go. He also loves his family. (children bring out the best in us apparently – we try much harder to hide the conflicts around him) He has no idea how much we all dread being together. He loves us all impartially and loves spending time with any of them. (Even my brother. Which if you knew my brother you would know what an amazing thing it is that he’s been as friendly to LM as he has.)
My parents are also invited. And going on Sat. Which would normally mean that I would ride with them and not take my car. (My dad has a real thing about us ever taking 2 cars anywhere. And right now with gas prices what they are I can get behind that for the most part.)
But I want to go on Sunday.
****Knitting content***** (kind of) (Side track here for a second – I’m writing this out at work today in between working. And just now I was up and at someone else’s desk when one of my co-workers came along and is wearing a very pretty knitted cardigan style (looks like hand knit) sweater. She knows I’m a knitter (and sometimes crocheter), and I know she’s a crocheter and knitter. So I’m standing there studying her arm of her sweater and ask her if she made it. She laughed and said she doesn’t make clothes, she just makes blankets/spreads. But she got very amused because I was sitting there staring at it trying to figure out the pattern. and she asked me if I do that with people I don’t know and I had to admit that yes, actually I kind of do. Which she knows I’m very shy, don’t like talking to people I don’t know and never strike up conversations on the elevators or anything but here I am admitting to staring on occasion if something looks handknit. Knitting – total icebreaker. (And I think that while I could not figure out the pattern yet (I’m not that good/practised) there are many on ravelry who could – and regardless I could probably figure out something pretty darn close and what makes it so very pretty is the yarn anyway – so I’m thinking I could probably come really close to duplicating it……)
****** back to griping about my family. Knitting content over for now ******
When I told my father that I was going to still go on Sunday I got a 10 minute lecture from him about that. That was just ridiculous, I let what other people think of me matter too much, I shouldn’t let them “wag” me (that was my favorite really – I’m sorry – WHAT did you just say?!), it was going to cost me xx much more to do this, etc.
Which he’s right. It will cost more. I will have to buy my own gas to go over there and back. And it’s definitely not cheap right now. And there are some concerns about me driving my car that much. It’s very very old. And starting to sound and act it.
But – here’s my thing. (and I’ve chewed on this all day actually by now.) If I list out pros and cons without even factoring in letting others down, I’m still going to go to the reception on Sat and the lake on Sunday. I get to do EVERYTHING I’d already planned to do, make Little Man beside himself with happiness, and not be the one you can’t depend on. Oops – that actually is factoring in the letting others down – but I can’t help it. I don’t want to be that person. You know – the one you make plans with way in advance, but then they get what seems to them like a “better” offer of something to do so they flake out on you? Making you feel like you weren’t all that important to them and that their plans with you were just a placeholder so they’d have SOMETHING to do?
Another thing my dad said to me during this little lecture this AM was something along the lines of “things happen, they’ll understand.” And “you’ve had people disappoint you before”. Which – again – yes, I have. I don’t want to be that person though. And I certainly don’t want to teach my child that it’s OK to do that. I preach to him OFTEN that I don’t care what someone else is doing, I care what he does. And why he’s doing it. He’s the only one I’m responsible for. He’s the only one who I have any say over. I don’t care if you have friends your age who have sleepovers – I think you’re too young. I don’t care if they watch that TV show. You are not going to. Etc. (“If all your friends were jumping off a cliff would you jump?”) So it seems to me that morally the right decision, if I want to be the person I want to be, and I want to model the person I want my child to be, is for me to stick to my commitments and go to the lake on Sunday.
It also occurred to me at some point that if I go with them on Saturday, it would only be because I was letting my father “wag” me. And that I would have to spend that much longer with my whole family. (Trip time in the car going and coming – I hate being trapped in a car with my parents. Hate it. I can’t walk away when I don’t want to discuss whatever they want to discuss. Hate it.) Plus the whole extra day and night with all of them. Which is just that much more potential for conflict. I spend most of my time “braced” for a fight when I’m with them anyway – why would I want to do that for an extra day and ½?
Crazy making. All of them. (cause really? Who honestly obsesses and dissects their weekend plans to this degree besides me? Anyone?!?)
